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Although clinical research has been conducted on narcissism as a disorder, less is known about its effects on victims who are in toxic relationships with partners with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Individuals with this disorder engage in chronic devaluation and manipulation of their partners, a psychological and emotional phenomenon known as "narcissistic abuse." Unfortunately, the full extent of what narcissistic abuse entails is not taught in any psychology class or diagnostic manual. Since pathological narcissists are unlikely to seek treatment for their disorder, it is difficult to pinpoint what exactly makes a narcissistic abuser tick and the manipulative tactics they use, which are likely to differ from those of other types of abusers as they are more covert and underhanded. What is even more baffling is the addiction we form with our narcissistic abusers, created by biochemical bonds and trauma bonds that are also unlike any other relationship we experience. In this book, survivors will learn: •The red flags of narcissistic behavior and covert manipulation tactics, including subtle signs many survivors don't catch in the early stages of dating a narcissist. •The motives behind narcissistic abuse and techniques to resist a narcissist's manipulation. •Why abuse survivors usually stay with a narcissist long after incidents of abuse occur. •How our own brain chemistry locks us into an addiction with a narcissistic or toxic partner, creating cravings for the constant chaos of the abuse cycle. •Traditional and alternative methods to begin to detach and heal from the addiction to the narcissist, including eleven important steps all survivors must take on the road to healing. •Methods to rewrite the narratives that abusers have written for us so we can begin to reconnect with our authentic selves and purpose. •How to rebuild an even more victorious and empowering life after abuse. Narcissistic partners employ numerous stealthy tactics to devalue and manipulate their victims behind closed doors. These partners lack empathy and demonstrate an incredible sense of entitlement and sense of superiority which drives their exploitative behavior in interpersonal relationships. Their tactics can include verbal abuse and emotional invalidation, stonewalling, projection, taking control of every aspect of the victim’s life, gaslighting and triangulation. Due to the narcissistic partner’s “false self,” the charismatic mask he or she projects to society, the victim often feels isolated in this type of abuse and is unlikely to have his or her experiences validated by friends, family and society. Using the latest scientific research as well as thousands of survivor accounts, this book will explore how the emotional manipulation tactics of narcissistic and antisocial partners affect those around them, particularly with regards to its cumulative socioemotional and psychological effects on the victim. It will also address questions such as: What successful techniques, tools and healing modalities (both traditional and alternative) are available to survivors who have been ridiculed, manipulated, verbally abused and subject to psychological warfare? What can survivors do to better engage in self-love and self-care? How can they forge the path to healthier relationships, especially if they've been a victim of narcissistic abuse by multiple people or raised by a narcissist? Most importantly, how can they use their experiences of narcissistic abuse to empower themselves towards personal development? What can their interactions with a narcissistic abuser teach them about themselves,their relationship patterns and the wounds that still need to be healed in order to move forward into the happy relationships and victorious lives they do deserve?
- Sales Rank: #3488 in Books
- Published on: 2016-07-29
- Original language: English
- Dimensions: 9.00" h x 1.19" w x 6.00" l, 1.53 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 524 pages
Review
"Excellent! If there is one person on our side, it's Shahida. Ms. Arabi is our life-saver, cheerleader, saint, healer, best friend, advocate, and go-to expert for victims...when no one else is in your corner; she is there for you in mind and soul to share the truth about this hidden - and for many, life-threatening, devastating experience. This book covers the complete experience of:encountering, surviving, and healing from an emotional terrorist. Ahead of her time, she has forged the way for us - victims and mental health professionals -to start acknowledging this hidden epidemic; and to begin the lonely, painful process of helping ourselves and others survive the reality of personality-disordered relationship trauma." - Monica M. White, Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor
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"Shahida Arabi has accomplished something that few authors are able to do. She has written a book that is packed with so much wisdom and therapeutically proven tools for daily application, that it leaves the reader healthier than when they started reading. That is an incredible accomplishment for any writer. As a licensed therapist, I am thrilled to see Ms. Arabi's ability to give not only real life practical suggestions of how to find recovery and live it out, but also concrete, go-out-and-implement-them-today ideas. Ms. Arabi provides the reader with the exact tools needed to change their thoughts, which will change their actions and then lead to changed lives." - Shannon Thomas, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Lead Therapist at Southlake Christian Counseling
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"Outstanding, comprehensive, thoughtful book for survivors! I will be sending my clients to read this book to help them have a fantastic, thorough understanding of narcissistic abuse recovery. Shahida Arabi skillfully writes from the standpoint of a survivor to a place of thriving...she blends evidence-based research, with survivor stories and integrative healing concepts that are paramount for trauma recovery from the unique aftermath of narcissistic abuse. This book will be a compass and roadmap for many as they reassemble after the rubble and construct anew a life of meaning, purpose, healing and transformation. Shahida Arabi speaks from the heart, from science,and from spirit...she knows how to translate for survivors the path of healing, triumph, and freedom." - Andrea Schneider, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Author of Soul Vampires: Reclaiming Your Lifeblood After Narcissistic Abuse
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"I would like to give kudos to Shahida Arabi and her efforts in writing a well-researched book filled withcurrent, accurate and practical information that focuses on the abuse survivors and not the abusers like most books on narcissistic abuse do. Well-written...filled with accurate truth, tons of current information, contributions from legitimate narcissistic abuse recovery experts, hope and inspiration that will facilitate healing and point the readers to effective healers and professionaland self-help strategies they can tailor to their specific needs." - Evelyn M. Ryan, Certified Licensed Life Coach and Author of Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tipsand Tools for Abuse Survivors
About the Author
Shahida Arabi is a summa cum laude graduate of Columbia University graduate school and is the author of two #1 Amazon Bestsellers, The Smart Girl's Guide to Self-Care, a #1 Bestseller in Women's Personal Growth and Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare, which was featured as a #1 Amazon bestseller in three different categories including Personality Disorders and Abuse. Her writing has been featured on The Huffington Post, The National Domestic Violence Hotline, MOGUL, Elephant Journal, Yoganonymous, The Mind's Journal, Dollhouse Magazine, The West 4th Street Review, Thought Catalog, The Good Men Project, YourTango, author Lisa E. Scott's blog and Harvard-trained psychologist Dr. Monica O'Neal's website. Her interests include psychology, sociology, education, gender studies and mental health advocacy. She studied English Literature and Psychology as an undergraduate student at NYU, where she graduated summa cum laude and was President of its National Organization for Women (NOW) chapter. Her viral blog entries, "Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head," and "20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use to Silence You" have been shared worldwide and her work has been endorsed and shared by numerous clinical psychologists, mental health practitioners, bestselling authors, and award-winning bloggers.
Most helpful customer reviews
152 of 155 people found the following review helpful.
Excellent, Well-Researched and Very Helpful Book!
By BA
I have read 50+ books on narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, trauma, PTSD, etc. This book is one of the best. Ms. Arabi is an excellent, thorough and insightful researcher and journalist. She lays the groundwork for recovery by explaining the impact of narcissistic abuse, synthesizing those truths with provocative insights from leading scholars and then offering practical suggestions and methods of recovery.
This book is extremely well-documented and well-researched. Arabi not only addresses NPD and narcissistic abuse but delves into PTSD/CPTSD, citing the works of renowned experts such as Judith Herman, M.D., author of the foundational book “Trauma and Recovery,” and Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. (“The Betrayal Bond”). She also ties in the work of Bessel van der Kolk M.D., who in his book “The Body Keeps the Score” reveals how trauma rewires the the brain, along with dozens of other sources, both classic and contemporary.
Each chapter of Arabi’s book features an impressive endnotes section as well as links to articles, podcasts and social media resources. She manages to combine all these sources into a comprehensive and revealing look at narcissistic abuse and its effects on the survivor. She then offers practical tips and alternatives for recovering from the trauma of narcissistic abuse. I was personally inspired and motivated by her creative recommendations for recovery – I even surprised myself by experimenting with the guided meditation links and redoubling my commitment to doing Zumba four times a week. And I haven’t even finished reading the book!
Bravo, Ms. Arabi, and thank you! I very much recommend this book.
87 of 89 people found the following review helpful.
Interesting read..
By Jordan E. Fuson
I've been reading a lot about narcissism after encountering it first in a patient's mom then recognizing it in my own mom and also seeing some of it in my siginificant other and now in myself. While some narcissists are truly monsters, often others develop it as a result of abuse/neglect in reaction to criticism and/or lack of love & validation. One excerpt reads: "They are never satisfied and they will constantly blame you for their dissatisfaction. They will never be satisfied with what they have, unless they have a complete doormat that turn a blind eye to their affairs, crimes and indiscretions. And even when they do have that doormat, they end up abusing and exploiting that person regardless, treating that person with contempt for being so “foolish” to believe in them. You’re damned if you do and damned if you do when it comes to a narcissistic partner."
And I would like to offer some insight: it is true that they are never satisfied and you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. They are unable to have self-acceptance, which gives rise the construction of the false self ego. It was taught that they are never good enough resulting in receiving criticism. They need a 'doormat' to give them the love and acceptance they lack for themselves and never received in childhood. However, they hate themselves so much that they resent (exploit/abuse) you if you give it, because you must be a fool to think they deserve love and/or acceptance--'Can't you see I'm a monster?! Can't you see how much of a worthless piece of trash I am? You're an idiot for thinking I deserve to be loved, because love does not exist-- only power. If love existed I would not feel forced to manipulate you to get the what I was never given freely (e.g. attention, love, validation, etc.) Relationships are about power not connecting.' They were taught early on that relationships are essentially unsafe. Feelings meant vulnerability, so it's safer to get one's needs met via manipulation--Why would you allow the "caretaker" (the one that criticizes, belittles) to have power over you by having emotions? Doesn't it feel more rewarding when you learn to manipulate and control the caretaker enemy and make them pay for the way the treated you? If you can control your emotions, you can learn not to be at the mercy of them and feel hurt, rejected, and powerless. Narcs are extraordinary sensitive to ego insults due to the lack of love/acceptance and use devaluation as a way to deal with the insults/injury. It's safer not to feel. Although their maladaptive ways keep them safe, they are extremely unhappy with their inability to form loving relationships. But they do not believe loving relationships exist and it is hard to seek, miss, or value what one never had--especially when it means subjecting yourself to feel hurt and disappointment again and to lose the sense of power that protected you (but now impairs you). It is an extremely emotionally immature disposition, but they received the message early that love and loving attention wasn't give freely making them believe manipulation is the only alternative. I read somewhere that codependency and narcissism are flip sides of the same coin. It doesn't sound right, but as a codependent/counterdependent with narcissistic tendencies, it makes sense. The child innately believes he/she is good, but the parents send an opposing message. Both the narcissist and codependent internalize the negative message, but the narcissist develops a false ego and rebels, while the codependent enmeshes in an attempt to win approval. Both of their egos depends upon another to exist, since their sense of Self is never developed due to the abuse/neglect.
102 of 105 people found the following review helpful.
I desperately needed to know how to stop the crazy love roller-coaster, and to understand why I still love ...
By H B.
THANK YOU for writing this book....
I desperately needed to know how to stop the crazy love roller-coaster, and to understand why I still love the narcissist who was destroying my life. I devoured this book... twice in the couple of days that I've had it. I don't want to think of myself as a victim or my spouse as an abusive person, but the author very clearly explains the cycles and patterns and how to end the insanity. By going full no contact in just a couple of days I feel so much more in control of my life, hopeful and maybe even a little powerful.
There is hope and you're not crazy.... I highly recommend this book!
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